After the pleasantness that was Chetumal we arrived in the small town of Tulum.

Friends we had met in La Paz had recommended we stay at Tubo Tulum which turned out to be a winner! You sleep in big cement tubes that had been fitted out with a bed an an aircon!

 

And they had a cat!! We spent our time relaxing, scootering to cenotes and the beach. We ate ceviche and so much guacamole! During my time in Mexico I am surprised I didn’t turn green I ate that much avocado!!

 

 

After Tulum we took a short bus to Playa Del Carman. At first glance it looked like a dirty tourist town, full of very tanned buff guys in Fluro singlets. At second glance there was heaps of good shopping!!

The hostel we were staying at was nice, we met a few friends including another Richard, this one was English. Matt quickly fell in love, lucky his girlfriend Frankie didn’t seem to mind! We watched Arsenal play in a local bar and did a Mojito making class that night and Matt certainly got his $4.50 worth of rum that night.

Later that night Matt went out with a group of people from the hostel, I went to bed with a cracking headache. They went to a few bars before finding a ‘karaoke’ bar full of locals. I say ‘karaoke’ because it was not a karaoke bar but Matt and Richard sang for them anyway, a romantic rendition of Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’.

The next day we made our way to Cancun. Arriving at our hostel we were greeted with a stink of KP24, if you’ve not come across KP24 before it’s headlice shampoo and has a very distinct pungent smell. The only upside to the grotty hostel was that there were two kittens!!

We spent most our time in Cancun at the beach, the water here is the most amazing colour and it is stinking hot. Cancun was not my favourite place, it’s very Americanised and set up for tourists. We used it as a place to come and go to Cuba and also Isla Holbox.

 

Cuba I’ve already posted about so I’ll skip to Isla Holbox.

When we returned from Cuba we stayed a night in a new hostel in Cancun called Mezcal, it was clean, had a pool and had great air conditioning in the bedroom!!!

The next day we caught a bus and a ferry to Isla Holbox, we went to the island so we could go swimming with whale sharks.

When we went got there it was a small island with sandy roads and not much breeze! We got to our hostel which was quite nice and met up with an English girl we’d met in Playa Del Carman; Emma. After seeking out a very cheap dinner we hopped into bed as we had an early morning the next day, unfortunately we were sleeping in a sauna and we both barely copped a wink of sleep and just lay there sweating instead!

The next morning we hopped on a boat and went searching for the whale sharks. Unfortunately after 3 hours of searching for the first time that season, they couldn’t find them! We were so disappointed as we’d paid a lot of money to swim with them and it was the only reason we’d come all the way to Isla Holbox!

Instead we went fishing for a while, Matt caught 4 fish and I got seasick, then we went snorkelling, we say a few sea turtles and some fish but it wasn’t very clear water so it was difficult to see much. While we snorkelled our captain made ceviche with the fish we’d caught and after snorkelling we went into a lake and are lunch! It was pretty delish!

 

 

In the lake were hundreds of catfish! We got out for an walk around (and to pee in the lake haha) and then got back on board to see some flamingos!

 

Eventually we arrived home during a storm and got saturated getting back to the hostel, but the next morning (after another very hot night) we came back to Cancun and the fab hostel with a pool!

So the last few days in Mexico were spent in Cancun enjoying the beach and the pool! Next stop is New Orleans which ends our Central America stint and starts our last part of our journey!!!

 

 

 

I’m laying in bed, finishing my hangover that had to be temporarily suspended lest I die, while we unexpectedly road horses up a mountain to swim in a waterfall.

Being the rainy season, Cuba is absolutely sweltering and extremely muggy. Matt gets sweaty at the best of time but in Cuba, he is sweating constantly. So as you can imagine, horse riding in the middle of the day with hangovers was not the most pleasant experience, waterfall or no waterfall.

 

You see, it all started on a balmy (muggy) Cuban night when we were charmed by a street bar tender into having a few mojitos. We sat on the ledge below a window on a Trinidad Street in the old town. Matt was smoking his cigar and we were chatting to our new Cuban friend who told us he was a tour guide and could take us to a waterfall tomorrow.

 

Next thing you know Matt’s signing a contract and we were to be picked up the next day at 10am. Oh and we were to call him Cowboy.

During the night I had drunk a lot of rum. A lot. So a 10am start was not ideal. But we got up thinking at worse it was going to be a car ride, short walk and then lazing in a pool at the bottom of a waterfall. How wrong we were.

Promptly at 10am our guide arrived on his bike, and he had a bike tuk tuk for us to climb into. Ok, not so bad, I mean we weren’t the ones pedalling. Cruising through the streets with the breeze in our hair, it was not actually quite pleasant.

Then, we stopped where there were a whole bunch of horses and we aquired a horse each to lead for a while. Horses? Ok? How hard can this be in shorts and thongs (flip-flops for my non-Aussie friends)? Oh and we also acquired our guides lovely Chica.

My horse did not respond well to me and in the end the guide had to lead both his horse and mine.

It was time to get on our horses so up we got, as gracefully as you can imagine, and away we went.

Matt and I were happy for the horses to just walk along the path but our guide had other ideas. We trotted. We cantered. We picked our way up steep, loose rock inclines and back down again. By now the chafing had begun and our butts we feeling the beginning of some bruising. Poor Matt only had on boardies, no jocks but some very uncomfortable inner mesh.

After what felt like an eternity, we stopped off at a restaurant where we were shown how they extract juice from sugar cane and we got to have a go working the crank. We then got to drink our extract. It tasted yummy, but of course it would; it was liquid sugar.

 

Too soon, it was time to get back on the horse. My horse, who I nicknamed Cheeky, (Matt called his Speed Racer) did not like me. I was indifferent to him but did feel sorry for him as he was doing all the work. How ever it was no walk in the park for me either.

Again trotting, cantering, chafing, bruising; we eventually came to a stop. We arrived at a coffee shop (hut) in the middle of a forest and were shown how they hand grid the beans and make a drip coffee. We got one each (and a free cigar). The man making the coffee was great, we later taught him the rest of the lyrics to “Skippy the bush kangaroo” as the only line he knew was “Skippy, Skippy” after which he would hum the tune.

 

 

A 5 mins walk and we were at the blessed waterfall! It was more like a water drip but there was a 9ft deep pool at the bottom of it so we enthusiastically jumped in. Here we floated for about half an hour, dreading the inevitable – the ride home.

 

To cut it short, neither of us can walk. We have bruised bums and aching bodies. And Matt found a flee in his pubes. Oh and I have a rather disgusting photo of Matt’s bum where he has actual grazing from the inner mesh of his board shorts and I am debating whether to put it up.

So as for the rest of Cuba; we arrived in Havana late in the afternoon and after the most painful customs experience we hopped into a mini-van with our 3 new Kiwi friends. One, Kieran we had met at the last hostel in Cancun and just so happened to be on the same flight to Havana as us. The other two, a lovely couple – Kirby and Luke, he then picked up at the airport and we all caught up for a dink that night.

When we arrived at our hostel they didn’t have our booking! The internet is so bad in Cuba we believed it. They were so apologetic and upset they quickly found us accommodation at a Casa and in no time a lovely lady was there to pick us up and take us to what can only be described as a room straight out of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. But it was comfortable and the Casa Mother was lovely!

Early the next morning we hopped on a bus to Trinidad and several hours later (way more than it should have been!) we arrived at our next Casa and they a) had our booking and b) HAD A POOL!!!!!!

The next few days in Trinidad were spent wandering the UNESCO World Heritage old town, swimming in the pool as much as possible and riding horses!

We also visited Playa Ancon for a nice swim and sunbake!

To get back to Havana we were offered a ride in a private car with two other people for the same price as the bus. Hoping it would be quicker we agreed. Unfortunately it was not quicker and Matt spent the entire time awkwardly rubbing legs with an Italian guy.

The next few days in Havana were spent avoiding the sun as much as possible, visiting the Old Town, Cigar shops, The Museum of the Revolution, napping in our air conditioned room before emerging for dinner and riding around in an old school Chevolet.

 

Unfortunately in Cuba the ATM’s rarely dispense cash and it’s also not easy to change back any Cuban money you have got at the end. As a result we tried to only get out what we needed but ended up with not enough with a few days to go, so we spent a lot of time looking for really cheap food and we found most streets sold these really yummy pizzas for approximately 60 cents. I average one a day, Matt averaged 2.

Now we’re at the airport ready to head back to Cancun. Here we need to work out how best to get some Cuban Cigars through America without getting them taken away so we can bring them home!

The Cuban people are definitely the nicest we’ve met, except when they are ‘not trying to sell you anything but did you know you that today you can get cigars half price if you just walk this way…..’

 
When we started our trip we had a vague plan up until we finished the San Blas island tour, but nothing planed until our last three weeks in the US.

So it was a surprise to us both when we boarded our Business Class flight to Guatemala to see my friend from Uni Ryan.

Ryan and I have known each other for about 7 years after we met briefly in a class at Uni, neither of us can recall the class but we both remember a really shit group assignment that bought us together and that’s about it! And also this annoying girl called Jade.

 

Ryan is living in Antigua learning Spanish and after a few Facebook conversations with him, Matt and I decide to go see what Antigua was all about!

We landed and after the quickest and most pleasant customs, so quick and easy we didn’t realise it was over until we were outside the airport, we were pleasantly surprised by Ryan! We drove the 40mins from Guatemala City to Antigua and quickly noted the uniqueness of this UNESCO World Hertiage City, with its cobbled stone streets, hand painted signage, pastel coloured buildings and the volcanos that surround it. Including one active one!!

We were staying at Ryan’s place for a few nights before heading out of town to Lake Atitlan.

After a short bus trip (this one was only 4 hours) we arrived at a town called Panajchal where we hopped on a boat to our first town, San Pedro.

San Pedro is the ‘Party town’ of the lake. The lake itself is a huge body of water literally ringed by dormant volcanos.

The hostel was putting on a quiz show that evening so after a quick meal and 4 rums each at dinner, we joined a group and spent the night losing and boozing.

 

A little too much boozing it would seem as after hopping on the boat to our next destination, Santa Cruz, we all fell asleep in the TV room watching Armageddon.

Santa Cruz was much more relaxed than San Pedro, there were hippie folk everywhere. The hostel we were staying at was having it’s weekly Cross Dressing party that night, but instead of partaking, we went and napped (again) in the TV room.

After our shocking efforts the day before, we decided to hire kayaks and paddle to a cliff where we could jump off into the unknown depths of the lake.

 

Matt and Ryan, testosterone practically shining through their pores, climbed higher and higher each jump, while I played the scared photographer.

 

 

 

This is what it looked like when I jumped:

 

Ryan offered to wait in the water for me so he could help me get out, Matt offered to hold my hand and jump in with me. Still I did not jump. The fear of plunging into the absolute unknown freaked me out too much. What if there was a lake shark? Lake so sharks exist.

After a fair bit of coaxing, cajoling, and some “It’s ok, you don’t have to do it” I jumped off this tiny ledge, and practically broke my leg trying to clamber back up the rocks, as quickly as I could. At least there was photo evidence that I jumped in!

 

That afternoon we bused it back to Antigua where we would stay for another night before making our way to Flores to see Tikal.

Matt and I, much accustomed to the rigours and (un)comforts of travelling opted for the cheaper mode of transport and took the overnight bus. Ryan, who is a pussy bitch, flew.

When we got to the bus station at 9pm for our 10pm bus I decided to take a Dramamine for travel sickness as I had been experiencing it of late. Little did I know it would knock me out and within 15mins I was asleep in the bus station. Matt had to wake me up to get on the bus where I promptly fell back to sleep. The bus was FREEZING however and about 6 hours later I woke up a solid Popsicle.

We met Ryan early the next morning and caught another bus to the Mayan Ruins of Tikal.

Tikal was amazing, and as we wandered (sweated) around the ruins we saw monkeys swinging through the trees!

 

That night we walked around the beautiful island town of Flores and the morning took another bus to Lanquin to visit the stunning Semuc Champey! This bus was not so comfortable. Crammed in the back with my knees around my ears, I sweated buckets. Eight hours later we arrived and Lanquin and had to get a 40 min ride to our Hostel on the back of a ute, standing up, on dirt roads with 18 other people. Yep 18.

Thankfully the Hostel was lovely, albeit vegetarian. It was built on stilts and consisted of a massive open deck and a mezzanine level where the bunks were, all completely open to the elements. And the scorpions….

We arrange a tour the next morning that started with some caving. We were handed a candle (a candle!) and told to head into the darkness being careful of where we stepped. After receiving some stunning face markings from our guide, we were off into the depths of the cave where at some points you had to swim (limbs in so you didn’t hit unseen rocks) holding your candle above water.

We climber up a gushing waterfall, waited while some people jumped from a rock overhang into a very small pool beneath it (Matt and Ryan did it. I did not) and then were dropped DOWN a waterfall between two very close rocks.

 

After this we walked up a big hill. It was disgustingly hot and as we neared the top we were all cursing the need to walk up and also fearing a bit for our lives as the howler monkeys above us screamed their little hearts out. They are scary mother fuckers.

But eventually we reached the top and it was worth every drop of sweat and aching limb!

 

After the climb down we got to swim in the beautiful limestone pools.

 

To get home we had opted to tube down the river to our hostel. What was meant to be a nice, easy, quiet tubing session ended up becoming a life and death situation.

 

At the first set of rapids I casually bumped over them, Matt seeing the joy in my face decided to follow my path but instead his bum smacked into a rock and he dramatically flipped out of his tube and proceeded to a smash from rock to rock on his back.

Instinct kicked in as I paddled, against the flow, to retrieve him and his tube. Arms burning I paddled and paddled trying not to fall in myself and grabbed his arm and hauled him back onto his tube but not before I could see the damage he had done. Yikes. I decided to keep it to myself for now. He didn’t need to know he had torn his back to shreds just yet.

On we went and I kept a close eye on my retarded boyfriend (he asked me not to refer to him as retarded but this is MY blog) and eventually made it back, where I then took a photo and showed him his injuries. Ouch.

 

But that was not to be the worst incident that night. Casually enjoying a drink after a long day a ‘cockroach’ approached one of our drinks, as Matt went to shoo it away we noticed it was A SCORPION. And that was it for me, I had the worst night sleep, even thought I rolled up and down my bed to squash any scorpions.

 

The next day we enjoyed another bus ride back to Antigua. Yay buses.

The last few days in Antigua I spent sick, and then some asshole stole my Chanel No. 5 out of my toiletries bag and Ryan made us climb this really steep hill.

We also spent hours trying to figure out the cheapest way out of Antigua to Mexico. The end result was two buses, one overnight to Flores (the exact one we had ALREADY taken) and a day bus to Chetumal.

After we missed the first bus (not our fault) quickly paid to hop on the next (there was no air conditioning this time) arrived in Flores with no idea where the next bus left from, eventually found the bus (it was 1.5 seat for 2 people), paid $30 for the 6 hours we drove through Belize, we eventually arrived at a grubby hotel in an up-market version of Turbo.

But the shower was great and the air conditioning freezing. The next morning we hopped on a bus for Tulum!

Ok, I’m not going to write too much about the San Blas islands because I think the photos speak for themselves but I’ll lead you into it.

We booked the Fast Boat Tour where you boat around on a fast boat and stay on the islands, as opposed to sailing and sleeping in the boat.

The benefit is that you avoid the 36 hours in open water from Cartagena to the Islands, the downside is Turbo.

Turbo is described in Lonely Planet as ‘an aptly named town, in Colombia, as you will want to Turbo through it’ and this was very true.

After two 4 hour buses we arrived in dirty, disgusting, scary and
fecking hot Turbo. The hostel we stayed at with our Tour Group was rank, the bed was like cement and the pillow felt like a stack of wet cardboard. And the toilet / shower; repulsive.

 

At this stage we hadn’t really met the other people but we’d chatted to a guy called Joshi from the UK so the three of is went to dinner and in search of Rum. After we located the Rum, in a more dodgier part of the town, we basically ran home!

The next morning we caught a boat to an island where we would be meeting our guide. It was a four hour boat ride and it was the most horrendous four hours of my life!!!!! Except for maybe Death Road. The boat slammed down over waives, nearly tipped once, and our bags were just piled at the front. Fearful that I’d lose my bag in the sea, sore in the general ass region and scared of dying, I considered jumping in and swimming to shore. The sharks stopped me.

After we arrived and had lunch and stamped out of Colombia we were taken on ANOTHER boat to a different island where we would be staying the night. So far the tour hadn’t officially started but we were getting close to the start.

That night we sweated in a barely air conditioned dorm with 7 others. Early start and another 30 mins on the boat and we were at immigration into Panamá. They sniffer dogged every bag and then searched every single persons bags. EVERYTHING OUT, dirty knickers and all. Lucky for me my customs official spent the whole time hitting on me and we actually didn’t open half my bag. Not scary at all. I did write http://www.matchmaker.com on his arm he can find himself an Australian bride.

Another 2.5 hours on a boat and we were on the first island we were going to sleep on. We dropped our stuff off and headed to a deserted island for some swimming, sunbaking, drinking and Volley Balling.

Have I mentioned yet that I don’t really like boats!! So you might wonder why I went on this tour, well this is why:

 

The accommodation that night was over water bungalows with hammocks. We even pee’d directly into the sea.

 

So for the rest of the time the trip followed a similar sequence; boat, deserted island, swim, sunbake, drinks, coconuts and volleyball.

My time at school paid off as I killed it at volleyball showing dedication to the game and ending up with an arm full of bruises and knee scabs. But my pair won both the ‘official’ matches! Thank you Brighton High.

 

 

We ate SOOOOO much lobster each night (srsly I had 3 full lobsters one night!) and drank so much rum and played hilarious drinking games (hence the Colombia post). We also got to be introduced to the Kuna people who live on the islands. They were are really friendly people and their kids were the cutest! First time I’ve been swarmed and not pick pocketed or had something forcefully sold to me!!

 

We also made some amazing new friends, maybe not quite as amazing as the Scots (haha you three better be reading this) but amazing all the same! Three of the girls were even from Adelaide!!! And I adopted an American girl into my family.

 

After the islands we arrived in Panamá City salty, dirty (I forgot to mention the bucket showers…) and tried.

Panamá city turned out to be an unexpected beauty and not just because there were cats everywhere! But ther were cats everywhere!! Well fed and beautiful!! 

 

We were in a really nice hostel and we continued to hang out with our new friends, did the obligatory Panamá Canal trip and just generally loved it.

 

Now we’ve said good bye to a wonderful city and some new friends and were on a Business Class flight to Guatemala to see an old Friend!! Ryan here we come!!!!

Also I’m well aware that I ended up writing heaps about the San Blas islands.

Panamá City you’re easily in my top 3 cities I’ve visited in the world!!!

 

Aaaaaah Colombia. Ok, let’s be honest right from the start I am currently drunk and swinging in a hammock. Said hammock is my bed for this evening.

So let me tell you about Colombia. Oh by the way Paul Kelly’s To Her Door is playing in my ears right now, winner.

Ok so, we arrived in Puno and first let me say PUNO HAHAHAAJAHAHA poon.

Ok so we got the and we got on a boat *omigod some dance song just came on, but it’s ok I skipped to Ace of Bace, we cool again* anyway and we headed straight out to the floating island (BTW can I just zay I’ve drunk heaps of rum right now) anyway, islands and floating, yeah they were heaps cool! I think I’ve mentioned this hang on… I’m just going to re-read last post. Oh shit I have, Puno was in Peru.

So Bogota, that’s where we start. Ok Bogota. So by now I’m with Julie and also the next song is playing and it’s a ripper, FADER OK, so we get to Bogota and we’re staying in a hotel, hang long my hammock stopped swinging… Ok we’re swinging again, ok hotel was good and we climbed Cerro Monserrat and by climbed I mean took a cable car and it was nice view and shit and more stations of the cross (they bloody love that) and we had lunch blah blah lets get to my birthday.

Ok so first of all when we were in Duty Free Lima – Bogota I bought myself Coco Madamoiselle and Julie was pissed because appRently she’d bought me Chanel No. 5 for my birthday. So what did she do? Wrapped it in Gaffe Tape. God I love that jerk.

On my birthday night I FaveTimed my mum and her and dad were waiting with party hats on and they had party hats on our dog Chloe and my baby Ruby and when they answered my call the sang Happy Birthday to me whilst giggling Chloe and Ruby. It was the funniest and most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

 

My mum and dad are so beautiful and funny and while I type this I have the biggest smile on even thought it was a week ago!!! God I love them. They are best. They are my Best.

And I also get his:

Ruby apparent sent this message via my mum. Fucking legend cat.

So off to a good start, I had a new top and a rip in my jeans, and had just had an excellent conversation with my lovely mama and papa and also a glass (or two) or Moët! Mind you it was from the bathroom they give you on the bathroom. All class.

Next off to dinner. Lovely Matt had planned this a while ago and we went to, shit I can’t remember, it started with a C. Anyway it was amazing and I had lobster pasta. Yum. And then. Crazy dessert, see below.

 

After that our ‘driver’ drove us to Chia where we went to Andreas Carne Res which turned out to be the wildest place in Bogota…

At table of 19 year olds adopted us. Need. I. Say. More.

Anyway next day, not as hung over as I would have expected we went to Cartagena.

Cartagena is paradise, we swam in the pool, visited the magnificent Old City, and the pristine Playa Blanca….

 

Drunk, so drunk. Now were in the San Blas island. So good. Rum.

You know what the best song is Such Great Heights. It is. I’ll fight you.

Byeeeeeeeee. Oh wait, Enrique’s Hero the Metro Mix is on. Yeah boi. I will stand by you forever. Yeaaaaaaaaaah you will.

 
We arrived mid afternoon in Puno and hopped straight on a boat out to the floating islands for a quick trip to a couple of islands.

The islands are made of the reeds that grow in Lake Titicaca and the original inhabitants moved onto the lake to escape the Incan tribes.

The islands were spectacular and the family’s on there were selling things they had made and of course a little girl made a bee line for me and sold me a hand draw picture for 2 Soles. She saw me coming a mile away! We road on a reed boat from one island to the next while the sun was setting!

 

Next day, very early, we were off to Cusco via a day trip tour where we stopped off at various Incan ruins and a few churches.

My first impression of Cusco was that it was a dry and dusty city but upon arriving at the city centre I was pleasantly surprised by it’s cobbled streets and stunning architecture.

We went on a tour of the Sacred Valley the next day where we saw Incan Ruins up close for the first time!

 

 

The next day was Grand Final day and the day Julie and Jue arrived, so of course no plans were made outside of watching the game and awaiting the ladies!!!

The game was pretty boring to be honest!! After all the goals we’d seen in the early games this one was a bit of an anticlimax! But either way Germany won and the World Cup was over. I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I’ve let Downton Abbey fill the void but now I’ve finished that too.

However the arrival of M’Julie certainly brightened things and I threw myself at her when I saw her! Plus she had bought me my requested She-Wee as is been experiencing some of the most hideous toilets of my life!!

Two tips for using a She-Wee, maintain a constant flow and don’t laugh while using it!!

 

Up bright and early the next day for Macchu Pichu!!! It was freeeeeezing cold when we were leaving at 5:45am to get to the train! We had decided earlier on to do MP by ourselves, instead of through a tour agency. I had arranged the train and we knew where to get the bus/MP tickets once off the train, all we needed was a guide!

The train trip itself was pretty amazing! And when we arrived (after some food / coffee) we managed to find both the bus tickets and the MP
Tickets and then we found Nelly, our very patient and wonderful guide, who took us round Macchu Picchu and at one point said to us “You are very fun, yes?” Yes Nelly how’d you guess!!

Macchu Picchu was indescribable, you simply have to go there, but here’s some pictures for you anyway:

 

Next day off to Lima, and Cusco and Lima could not be more different; Cusco is seeped in culture and history and Lima is a cosmopolitan beach side city! We were only in Lima over night but we managed to go to a water park and find ourselves a cool place to eat dinner. Oh and we went to the Casino. It was no Vegas.

Next day we were off to Bogota!

 

Mountain Biking Death Road

8:30am

Yesterday we paid 370bs ($57au) to put our lives on the line and mountain bike down Death Road. DEATH road. DEATH.

 

I haven’t told mum (sorry mama) but I let Beth know, sent her a message telling her I loved them all so she’s probably shitting herself. Or she’s hungover and doesn’t care. I’d say the latter.

WTF was I thinking? I’ve obviously spent way to much time around boys lately.

Anyway, it’s 8:30am, we were up at 6 to get to the place by 7 where I was fitted out in the sexiest outfit of all time. And a helmet. Don’t they know I don’t do hats?

 

We’ve had a quick breakfast and made some new friends, Matt & Kate, and I’ve latched onto Kate hoping she’ll go slow with me ;)!

 

Matt just said to me: “If you’re out of control, just jump off. Don’t try to correct yourself. A scrape is better than going over the edge of a cliff”. Yeah, um, thanks for that sound advice.

So in about 1 hour I’ll be hurtling (walking my bike) down a road on the way to the ‘Deathly’ part.

Lord have mercy.

9:00am
I need to wee.

11:30
We just stopped for a snack and I finally got to pee. For 1 Boliviano, there were no doors on the toilets and I think I got herpes, again. But at least I got to go!!

So far it’s not been too bad! I didn’t walk my bike at all, although I started out a bit nervous, but it’s been on bitumen thus far and it wasn’t long till I was whizzing down the road with the breaks on only a little! Ok, so I was the last person that each stop but at least I was picking up speed and feeling more confident.

But then, the last 100m was on gravel ‘much like the death road’ our guide says, and I nearly ate rocks about 3 times. Fuck.

Right now were on the bus again for an 8km ascent before the Deathly part happens.

Jessica Williams and the Deathly Road – here we go.

12pm
We’ve just pulled onto Death Road. Fuck me dead.

12:03pm
Good lord what was I thinking!!

1:30pm
I fucking hate this.

2:50pm
I made it. I survived, just.

3:00pm
Ok so I’ve had time to rest, hand back my stuff. And reassess my choices.

Right now I am wet through, we rode in the rain and through rivers! I’m sore, my fingers are stuck in the breaking position, my arms vibrated the entire time and are sore from gripping, my shoulders are killing me. And my poor poor fanny.

The first part of the actual Death Road was hell. Pure get wrenching fear took over and I was so close to tears. Poor Matt had to ride at the back with his silly girlfriend and so missed out on killing himself (he can thank me any time he likes). We stopped and I asked how far we had come. 8km’s of the 31. If ever I thought it appropriate to say FML it was then.

The next part was equally as scary, it was raining, it was so gravelly, and rocky and steep. And the drop to the left is so sheer. We were 4700m above sea level and the drop was 600m. And you have to keep to the left. You have to keep to the WHERE? You mean I CAN’T HUG THE CLIFF WALL. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME. Lucky it was foggy and I couldn’t see my impending doom, or perhaps not so lucky.

We had a break again, I was the last to the group as usual, and then we set off for the second half. This time I seemed to get the hang of it a bit and felt more confident, but not that confident, I did pick up a little speed and stopped looking like this:

 

I even stood up for a while, not out of some new found mountain biking skills but out of necessity. My fanny was getting a pounding.

There was mud all up my back, all on the stupid massive coat I’ve been carrying around for the few small weeks that we will be cold and my only shoes and jeans were saturated

But I was alive!!

 

We stopped a few more times and on these occasions I was not the last to rejoin the group. Now we’re awaiting our buffet lunch which I imagine will be amazing.

In the end the only thing that kept me on that bike was the thought of having to go in the mini bus to drive the rest of the Death Road. No way.

Jess 1 | Death Road 0, sort of.

Sadly, we have left Brazil and we are now in Santa Cruz, Bolivia. We’ve left World Cup fever behind, but we’re still suffering mild symptoms.

Being in Brazil while the World Cup was on was one of the most exciting and drunken times of my life! I have never yelled the words ‘oh GO SON’ so frequently, nor participated in so many Mexican Waves!!

Who would have thought that I, Jessica Williams, would have been standing up yelling at the TV in an Irish Pub in Bolivia as France nearly score a goal against Germany to level the scores in the last 10 seconds of the match? Well I did. And then I nearly cried when Greizemann was crying after the game and all the other French players were hugging him. I would definitely have hugged him too. Definitely.

So in recapping our World Cup so far:

Spain v Netherlands

Spain v Netherlands was our first game and my first World Cup experience. We left our apartment in Barra, Salvador about 3 hours before the game, unsure about how we would get there. We walked to a bus stop and stood in front of un-moving traffic for about 10 mins before deciding this didn’t look good for us.

Plan B was to try for a Taxi, but they were all full and also in the unmoving traffic. This was not going well.

Plan C was to walk the 4k’s to the stadium, in the heat and hope for no down pour. Little did we know the first quarter of the walk was uphill and in full sun. It was f**cking hard work. When we finally reached level ground and shade we saw a Maccas, and unsure if it was a mirage, we sweatily and hesitantly walked in. Hallelujah! It was real! After two big cokes and a small rest in the air conditioning we continued our journey. Lucky for us the remainder of the walk was well shaded and flat and we only got a little bit rained on. This was especially lucky as I’d just spent 2 hours blow drying my hair with my 240v hairdryer in a 110v socket. Hmmm.

We eventually met up with the rest of the fans on the ‘Fan Walk’ and it started to get really exciting! After finding our seats (in the VERY back row of the stadium) we went in search of beer! Sadly, very sadly, the whole of the third level of the stadium was WITHOUT BEER. Yes, they could not serve us BEER, or anything for that matter, and as a result the other two levels were absolute chaos. Not willing to miss kick off and my first chance of seeing my Darling, we went sober for the first half (Torres for any silly person who didn’t get that).

At half time, after a very exciting first half, we went in search of beer, and found some!!!

We decided to watch the second half from behind a row in the second tier and this is where we met the very excitable Diogo, he was from São Paulo but in Salvador for the World Cup!

After the game we quickly found somewhere to watch the Australia game and then home to bed to sleep off all the excitement!

Spain 1 | Netherlands 5
I was barracking for Spain. Damn.

Germany v Portugal

Next up was Germany v Portugal. We bit the bullet this time,went straight for Plan C and walked to the stadium. This time the incline didn’t seem so bad, knowing that there was light (Maccas) at the end of the tunnel (the very steep hill in full sunlight).

I was quite excited to see Ronaldo, the Kanye of soccer; you love to hate him, and I did see him walk around and do sweet FA all game. Typical. Before the match (actually before every match) Matt filled me in on ‘the goss’ or what he would more likely term ‘the needs to know’ about the certain players we were seeing. On this occasion he was telling me about Pepe, who is a dirty, dirty player! And not the X-Tina Dirrty that I was hoping for. He didn’t come out in assless chaps. Instead Pepe lived up to his reputation by head butting a German player and thus being red carded! Exciting!

It was not to be for the Portuguese with Germany coming out on top.

Germany 4 | Portugal 0
I was barracking for Portugal. Boo.

France v Switzerland

By France v Switzerland, my enthusiasm was beginning to wane, every team I was barracking for for was losing. Also, you see, so far I have only mentioned the games we saw live but as there were 3 games per day I have neglected to mention all the games we had watched in the various bars of Barra.

I’d watched:
Brazil v Croatia
Chile v Australia
England v Italy
Argentina v Bosnia
Ghana v USA
Brazil v Mexico
Uruguay v England

So, as some of you can understand… I was getting a little over it.

We walked (with of course a post mountain Maccas Coke stop) and I was once again sweaty and tired and really in need of some gal time. Or more accurately in need of some time doing something that wasn’t football. Shopping, probably some shopping.

The game starts and the French go wild. I have an affinity for the French after studying it for so many years at School and Uni so I was barracking for them at this match. Out of nowhere, it was so exciting! Mainly because a team I was going for was FINALLY WINNING!!!! Every goal saw me jumping out of my seat screaming and I happily chanting Allez Les Bleus along with the other French supporters. We had three crazy French supporters going mental in our row and when Switzerland finally got a goal, they cheered a long as well as the game was just so enjoyable! Excitement regained!!!

France 5 | Switzerland 2
I was happily barracking for FRANCE

For those mathematical genius’ at home, you are right; that’s 17 goals in 3 games!!!

Australia v Spain
Next up was the icing on the cake for me. Not only was I finally seeing our boys play, but it was another chance to see Torres!

We left sunny (muggy) Salvador and arrived in cold Curitiba. After the fun and party atmosphere of Salvador, Curitiba seemed boring. With Matt being sick it was even more boring.

But, we were meeting up with friends from home and seeing another game. Plus I’d found out where the Spanish team were staying so things were definitely looking up!

Sweet Wes not only bought me some Vegemite, but he also agreed to come for a walk with me to their hotel with me while poor Matt slept off his sickness. Unfortunately (for Torres) there didn’t appear to be a way in.

On the morning of the game we got dressed and met up with the rest of the crew. And this happened:

Yes that is Matt in a 1996 Men’s Olympic Hockyroos training body suit. On the walk to the stadium after he took off his over clothes he was stopped regularly for photos and was the envy of a lot of fellow Aussies. Yeah I don’t get it either.

We arrived at the game and had far better seats than our last three games! I was so close to Torres!! At one point his shirt was torn and the ref made him swap it and he did it RIGHT ON THE FIELD. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.

Before the game I swore not to get involved in any Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi’ing but I lost control and Oi Oi Oi’d along with everyone else. I even got a verse of Waltzing Matilda going. Ok so only Matt joined in, but I still started it!!!

We might have lost but we won in my heart! What a game! Oh and Torres scored so I also was happy with that. LOVE YOU TORRES!!

 

Australia 0 | Spain 3
Of course I was going for Australia.

Ecuador v France

Next up we went to Rio. Let’s side step the football for a moment to talk about Rio! Rio was more than I had ever expected!!! Copacabana and Ipanema beaches were unreal! The water is beautiful and everything you could ever desire was being hawked up and down the beach: bathers, sarongs, beers, water, weed, coke….(the drinking kind of course Mama)! Anything.

We went to Lapa a few times where we partied a bit too hard until the wee hours of the morning in bars that sort of seemed to merge in the streets into one big party! 

We went up Sugarloaf for some amazing views and visited old mate Christ on top of Corcovado. Christ the Redeemer was unbelievable. Could almost have made a believer out of this agnostic. Almost.

At Sugarloaf we had the best luck. After going first to Christ the Redeemer on the first Football Free Day since the start of the Cup (dumb!) and seeing that we wouldn’t get in for another 6 hours we decided to do that another time. We got in a cab and made our way to to Sugarloaf, only to find s similar situation with a line that went in for so long, we couldn’t see the end. No word of a lie there were thousands of people lining up. Enter Rodolfo. A rather large man approaches us (my friend Jarryd, Matt and I) and asks if we’d like to go to the front of the line. No Rodolfo, we really want to wait in the hot sun for what looks like forever. He says for $50 Real ($25Au) he will get us in. The three of us look sceptically at each other and back at him. He says he’s telling the truth. He’s a tour guide and he can get us in for $50. No tricks. No scams. After discovering it would be $50 for all of us we decided to take a gamble. He marches us up to the start of the line, gives $30 to the lady at the ticket booth and keeps $20, we pay for our tickets and we are in. We could NOT believe it!!!! How did that happen! 

And as an added bonus when we were in we barely lined up for any of the cable cars (you take a cable car to the top of one peak and then another to the next) but when we were leaving the lines for the cable cars themselves were out of control!! What bloody luck!!!

But back to the football. Decked out in our new French Jersey’s (mine a Large Boys, hmmm), we got to see France again at the infamous Maracanã (or Macarena) and once again get involved in the atmosphere as both the French and Ecuadorians sang their little hearts out. Unfortunately it was a bit of a boring game, France were already through to the next round, and it was a nil all draw. But the real winner was football, or was it me as I made my debut on ‘Girls of the World Cups’ Instagram page?? Ha!

France 0 | Ecuador 0

Belgium v USA

Back to Salvador where we got to see a Round of 16. Clearly I was going for Belgium (Hazard plays for them, I like Belgium chocolate and also USA sucks).

It was at this match that I pulled out this ripper; while sitting in our seats a guy approached us to walk past to get to his seat and apologised for making us move, he was wearing a Manchester United Shirt, I said “You should be more sorry you go for Man U”. Fecking winner. It was also where I yelled out “ya’d wanna get there ya dick head”. Wow, what had gotten into me me?! Oh I know, I had watched approximately 1350 minutes of football so far!!!!!

Belgium 2 | USA 1

And that was it, the next day we flew here to Santa Cruz where we are chilling out in a lovely hotel for a few days before getting back on the back packing track.

Brazil was everything we could have hoped for and the World Cup was more than I could have imagined! We made some fantastic new friends, met up with some old ones from home and some ones we’d met a long the way. Drank waaaaaaay to many beers and rum. Got a sweet tan (well I did anyway!). And much much more!!

Now to watch the rest of the cup in various other countries!!

Missing home and my Cat, Family and Friends…. Hope Adelaide weather isn’t too shitty!!! Tomorrow we leave for La Paz  and really hope we don’t get altitude sickness!!!

xxxx ❤ xxxx